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| Stopperware™ | ||
Harried by cannibal terrorists, nuclear firefights and forty days of rain, The Apocalypse Homemaker can't be bothered with laboring over a hot stove. To efficiently serve Her family, She demands a line of Kitchen Aids that do twice the work in half the time... even when Rebels blow the power plant! After exhaustive "torture" testing in the Dugway East Field Kitchens of the WDC Cruelinary Institute, WHOLE DEATH has developed the first, completely comprehensive Food Preparation System to be especially designed for You, The Survival Housewife. WHOLE DEATH is proud to introduce our innovative STOPPERWARE™ Line of Kitchen Aids! For the Homemaker looking for no-frills, convenience cooking, STOPPERWARE™ Food-Preparation Units combine the processing efficiency of Queasin'Art™, the speed of a microwave oven and a once-a-month trip to the supermarket: |
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| STOPPERWARE™ Model # 1001: THE SNAKER Ideal for between meals "finger food", our cunning adaptation of the German anti-personnel "Schutzenmine" will cleanly amputate your guest's first and second joints. Enticingly disguised as a shrimp egg roll, your greedy friend grabs THE SNAKER and POW!... Just add salt and serve. Just remember to tell the kids to not to chip a tooth on those wedding rings! 7 oz. of plastic explosive. $59.95. |
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| STOPPERWARE™ Model #3002: THE STEW-MASTER Ingeniously camouflaged as a simmering, cobalt blue enameled stew pot, your inquisitive dinner guest lifts the lid and 50 six-inch bolts process him into medium well-done chunks. THE STEW-MASTER's 75 lb. TNT charge is equally effective against a Kindergartner or a King Tiger Tank. $359.95. |
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| STOPPERWARE™ Model #3003: THE TENDERIZER Offer pure concussion for those who prefer to have their dinner quiet but in one piece, THE TENDERIZER's 14 ounces of nitroglycerine is secreted within a wooden gourmet meat hammer. Just ask your helpful guest to pound the veal cutlets for you, then set the table! $125.95. |
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| STOPPERWARE™ Model #3004: THE DIP 'N SIP A Pool Party favorite, THE DIP'N SIP is an eleven hundred lb. acoustic naval mine hilariously disguised as a rubber life raft. Invite the neighborhood kids over to your pool and watch from the safety of your reinforced concrete FuehrerBunker as they splash, giggle and roughhouse. When the party uproar reaches DIP 'N SIP's pre-set decibel level, DIP'N SIP will make the punch! Sorry, Vodka not included! |
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| Ladies, WHOLE DEATH thinks you should be the first on your block to give a STOPPERWARE™ Party!
Call Mrs. Parker of our Gourmet Abteilung for tips on how to plan one in your area! |
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