CONTUMER REPORTS

REVIEW AND FIELD TEST OF:

WDC'S "DOGGIE BAGS" 

"Something old, something new, Uh oh, something blew..."

When terrain is unfamiliar and the enemy lurks nearby, a recon patrol is one good way to get your ass shot off. This is by no means to suggest that reconnaissance should be omitted from daily operations, far from it! It is imperative that you know what the enemy is up to before he does it, and a recon patrol is the way to find out. Without intelligence gained through reconnaissance, offensive and defensive plans are no better than turtle shit!

So, how do you go about reconnoitering those shadowy woods, that exclusive yacht club or the low-income housing block you know is thick with ravenous sub-humans slavering for a hunk o' white meat?

Was there ever a better time to call on man's best friend? Of course! Send out Rover!... but not alone. You'll be with him every step of the way because he'll be a wearing live mini-cam strapped to his Rabies Tag! With the mike key fixed in the "open" position, you'll be able to hear and see everything your dog does without endangering yourself!

You wouldn't go out there unarmed, and you might feel bad about sending Spot into the fray without a means of striking back. Fret no more! Spike can take the battle to the foe with WDC'S K-9 Corpse's Doggie Bags™! Each of the two easily adjustable bags is made of ballistic nylon and packed with a remotely-controlled Claymore Mine! Any old mutt wearing one of these babies is instantly transformed into a real "Hound of the Blastervilles"™.

With Lassie properly outfitted, you'll be able to relax in your bunker while he does the dirty work on patrol. Then, when you hear the sound of Spanish, James Brown, stock quotations, or some other gutteral utterance, you'll be ready to punch the "SIC 'EM" button. Besides consigning any living thing within 20 meters to Perdition, you'll spare Tige the fate of being served as an entree to a drooling pack of proto-hominids.... He'll thank you.

Careful planning requires more than simply strapping 40 lbs. of high explosive to Fido and letting him wander until he finds something to zap. He needs to be trained to sniff out Nacho cheese and '57 Chebbies, Ribs and Greens, Brown Rice and Tofu, Gin and Tonic, or any other olfactory cue typical of your anticipated adversary. The K-9 Corpse Corps knows this, and, as a must-have option, offers training scent packs. What happens if Ole Blue's signal is jammed by the enemy, or he's got a bad cold? K-9 Corpse Corps has the answer! Make sure Ole Yeller wears a K-9 Corpse Corps Olfactory Proximity Fuse. Then, when close to the target scent, he'll go "off", whether he, you, or they want him to or not.

The truly intriguing and cost-effective aspect of this weapons system is that it need not kill or physically maim to be devastatingly effective. The psychological trauma inflicted on an impressionable, almost child-like mind by an exploding dog cannot be over-estimated, and is a tasty treat to watch.

 
Early WDC Archive Photo of  staff pet "Putzi" frolicking with the Colonel's station wagen.

Equipment tested:

K-9 Corpse's Model KLM "Double Whammy" (equipped with optional HPX Brown Rice and Tofu proximity fuse. "The Groovy")

WDC Mini-Cam Model RMTC "The Spymaster"

ASPCA Golden Lab

Field Test Scenario:

Forested, rural survival retreat threatened by a band of vermin-infested Hippie marauders. Hippie hovel/campsite equipped with blaring "Acid" rock music, "black light" posters, and burning roaches is located ca. 700 meters from retreat.

Field Test:

Several factors influenced our decision to use the Hippie Scenario, not the least of which was the mutt we got from the Animal Shelter: A Golden Lab picked up by Animal Shelter staff after her owners were "busted" and sentenced to 20 years for possession of a marihuana "joint". (Yet another example of "our" molly-coddling courts hastening  the Judgment Day - Ed.)

The other factor influencing our decision was the availability of the optional Brown Rice and Tofu proximity fuse ("The Groovy"). While the standard, remote-controlled Doggie Bags model has repeatedly proven itself a popular and capable performer in the real world, we were anxious to test the first of a new line of K-9 Corpse proximity fuses designed to deal with heavily camouflaged positions.

We had hoped to use the WDC Mini-Cam Model RMTC "Spymaster", but it was requisitioned at the last moment for taping and interrogation conducted by our Intelligence Abteilung. (See Contumer Reports No. 26)

The field test began less than auspiciously: The 90 degree temperatures of August combined with the Lab's extreme indolence and obesity, almost scotched the operation. Despite repeated applications of a K-9 Corpse "Go Getum" Prod (Model #8534 - Works good on humans, too! - Ed.), a week of no rations, and a few desperate hours of tossing a Frisbee in the general direction of the Hippie Hovel (from which wafted an alluring smell of plates heaped high with brown rice and tofu), we were unable to get the mutt to budge from the shade of a maple growing beside the kids' swing set.

In a last ditch effort to provoke the pup, we resorted to baking a pan of "pot" brownies. (Please note: We do not condone or tolerate the use of narcotics; we found the "weed" on a hippie camping too close to our proving grounds. We confiscated the "grass" prior to making an example of him.)

We confess we did the baking quite gingerly and with some degree of trepidation being uncertain as we were of the fuse's gain and sensitivity in the Hippie olfactory spectrum. Our prayers to St. Barbara must have been answered because the claymores didn't detonate, and the fleabag began to salivate heavily.

With the Lab securely chained to the maple, we laid a trail of brownie crumbs to the Hippie Hovel before placing the half empty pan on the Hippie eatin' trough. Next we turned on several tape recorders (Joni Mitchell and Quicksilver Messenger tapes were covertly inserted by our staff) to provide a suitable aural environment and took the opportunity to stir the hippie brown rice and tofu. (This was perhaps the most difficult portion of the Field Test. After a week in the high heat and humidity, this melange had begun to look and smell like an Asiatic Yeast Infection. - Ed.)

We hoped that the spoilage would not masked the olfactory cue required to unlock the wrath of the fuse and Claymores. Such failure would count heavily against the fuse given hippies' well-documented (See WDC's Neighborhood Threats) predilection for "health food" items repugnant even to brain-damaged nematodes.

After rushing back to our Command Post, and filling our mason jars to the brim with the obligatory, whole-grain restoratives, we were ready to send "Scout" out on the trail. No sooner had we unchained her, than she shot off like a very Hound of Hell, barely allowing us the time to take the comfort of sun deck chaises, and slake our man-size thirsts.

All systems appeared "Go". The mini-cam unit worked flawlessly: About 200 meters out from our position we could see the slope pitch up from 7 to 32 degrees and hear the Lab's breathing begin to labor heavily in response to the change in elevation. 

50 meters later the Lab's breathing became intolerably loud and began to spoil the party atmosphere on the deck. In a fit of pique, we almost hit the "Kill" switch to go to manual override, just to get the damn huffing off the air, but cooler heads prevailed : We settled for turning down the volume and taking another heavy pull from the mason jar.

My aide-de-camp (unbelievable body),  who had been observing the Lab's progress through heavy lenses, interrupted a lively debate regarding the merits of bicycle-mounted recoilless rifles with intelligence that the Lab was making good progress and would soon reach the objective.

We turned up the volume and heard faint but distinct strains of Jimi Hendrix, and voices repeating "Oh Wow!", "Groovy", and "I'm flashin', man, I'm flashin'". At this point I asked my aide to give continuous range updates.

"75 meters", "50 meters"; we leaned forward, "25 meters". Hendrix's "Star Spangled Abomination" assaulted our ears.  "10 meters"; There was a flash on the hill and the mini-cam went dead. We observed a dust cloud rising in the distance, and soon heard a thunderous report followed by a whirring sound above our heads. (We later learned the source of the whirring: A hair-matted piece of mini-cam had embedded itself in the cedar clapboards of the house behind us, more that 700 meters from Ground Zero!)

After a few more rounds from the mason jars, and congratulations from the assembled squad, we wound our way up the hill to Ground Zero. Other than a few pieces of burning timber, little remained of the hovel that wouldn't pass through a strainer. Indeed, most trees within 50 meters of the explosion had been completely defoliated and/or uprooted! (A viable alternative to Agent Orange for home use? - Ed.)

Conclusions and Ratings:

K-9 Corpse's Model KLM (equipped with optional HPX Brown Rice and Tofu proximity fuse. "The Groovy") 

No doubt about it, Model KLM Doggie Bags,  especially when equipped with an optional, ethnic, olfactory fuse is one of the most effective and terrifying home security systems we've had the pleasure to test here at Dugway East. We recommend them without reservation tothe most hard-core survivalist as a devastating counter-insurgency tool, or a diverting way for the kids to play with the pet.

We give them, and they completely deserve (out of 4)

WDC Mini-Cam Model RMTC "The Spymaster"

Although at the low end of the RMTC line, The Spymaster performed admirably: Signal to Noise ratio, and more importantly, performance in the field were what we'd only from higher-priced models. While the Squelch did not allow for fine adjustment, it satisfactorily dampened spurious signals. The Spymaster uses 4 penlight batteries.

We give the The Spymaster  (out of 4)

ASPCA Golden Lab

There is little but price (see below) to recommend this mutt for weapons systems delivery.  We feel a Doberman or Shepard is a better choice because, in the event of an unexploded round, the Field Commander need not sacrifice lethality with these breeds.

Feeling generous,  we give the ASPCA Golden Lab (out of 4)

Not Rated:

WDC "Die Nase" Olfactory Proximity Fuse Type "Groovy"

In keeping with strict WDC policy, which requires that we give no ratings to weapons still undergoing tests at Dugway East, we sadly cannot grant "Die Nase" the FIVE Jolly Rogers it appears to deserve. Expect a follow-up test of a production model (I vote for "The Woodchuck" - Ed.) later this year. We are told that the line-up will include, but not be limited to the following models:

** Caution is urged in taking a large number of dogs in a given month lest suspicion be aroused.